More Hamlet?

Well, probably not.

So, I copied out last night's blog post and sent it to my client, along with some other thoughts about Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and other things:

The rest of what I've been thinking about the book, and which may help you (or not) decide whether to reread it, is that, for one thing, it seems a bit dated. I'm sure in the late 60s or early 70s when it was published, this seemed brand-new, earth-shattering stuff. Some of it, particularly his attitudes towards his friends Sylvia and...well, whoever Sylvia's husband was ... seem almost naive. No, not naive. Not sure I can describe what I'm feeling here.

The other thing I kept thinking, esp. at the beginning, was how much of a guy he is. That some of his observations kept missing the point or were incredibly obvious and that, if he were a woman, he'd know better than to be that obvious or be able to see beneath the surface better. Not saying this is good or bad, really, though it's certainly one of the things that brought on that whole wanting to throw the book against the wall feeling.

I should mention that I'm reading the book in small doses, as it's my bathroom reading--and you shouldn't make any assumptions about that, it's just that, when I realized a few years ago that I wasn't reading anymore, I needed to figure out ways to get it back into my life and the bathroom was one obvious place. The kitchen is another, while I'm waiting for water to boil or something, I can get in some reading (these days, it's "The Making of the President, 1960"--which is fascinating). And the bedroom, of course (right now, "The Brothers Karamazov"--I don't have a working TV right now) and something lighter to take to the laundromat or on the subway (right now, Glimmer Train Stories). And all that was way more than you needed to know, but in some ways I'm finding each of these (except for Glimmer Train) to be interacting in ways that I didn't expect. And the center is actually the Dostoyevsky, with its religion and politics and philosophy, but it's all food for a lot of thought, thought that is really making my head hurt and is occasionally crazy-making, but good for me, I'm sure, nonetheless.

I'm sure I'll wake up in the morning and wonder why the hell I sent her all that.

Anyway, for some reason, I started getting an actual headache earlier tonight and I ignored it and ignored it and ignored it because it wasn't very bad and I didn't want to take a pill when it was such a minor annoyance, really. And then, of course, it finally started to get much worse all of a sudden and I know that, if I had taken one Aleve when I first noticed it, it would have gone away and, instead, I had to take two Aleves to get rid of it. If the folks in "What the Bleep..." are right, then I think I need to find a new paradigm, rewire some brain cells.

I do like that idea.

There are more things in your philosophy

Damn, I can't remember the rest of the Hamlet quote. Oh, well.

A client asked me to transcribe a DVD for her so that she can quote from it in some project she's working on. It's called "What the Bleep..." and it's about quantum physics and reality and it's highly, highly philosphical.

This is on top of the fact that, a couple of months ago, I began reading "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" for the first time.

In-between, there was a spectacular discussion on Echo about the recent NY Times article about free will/not free will. Some of which I think I even understood.

Sigh. I went through college studiously avoiding taking any courses that even smelled a tiny bit of philosphy. The very thought of philosphy fills me with heavy-duty ennui. So you can just imagine my reaction to the book, let alone this video. And now the client has asked me about my reaction to the book, since I happened to mention it to her. I'm not sure I know where to begin!

Let's see: "There have been several occasions when I wanted to throw the damn thing across the room."

Well, okay, that's true enough. Except my thought process was more complicated than that. It was more like, "I'd really love to throw this book across the room, but I really just think it's because there's something wrong with me." Like, I'm not getting this and/or it's pissing me off, but it's really because I'm too stupid or at least uneducated to understand what this guy is talking about.

Of course, he did piss me off quite a bit (so far, I'm only about halfway done, mind you) with his classic/romantic dichotomy. As if the romantic view, as he saw it, had something seriously wrong with it--or at least that's how I read it. I really felt defensive about seeing things from what might be considered the "opposite" viewpoint from his more classical way of thinking. Plus, I really hate/hated the idea that these are mutually exclusive ways of thinking, that there's no middle ground. I am at the point in the book where it seems like he may be moving in that direction, after all. But, man, he's just thinking too damn hard about it for my taste.

Which of course brings up the question: Why the heck am I still reading this damn book? Because he interweaves it with this story that I'm finding fascinating about the motorcycle trip with his son and I want to see how it ends. And, all right, if I happen to learn something along the way, well, it may be while I'm kicking and screaming, but I really want to see if, in the end, (a) I've been able to follow along* and (b) agree with the guy.

*Follow along or catch up to where he is. It really feels like he's way ahead and it's just a struggle to try to catch up to him.

Then you bring in this video and quantum physics and some New Age-type stuff, except it really isn't all New Age (except for the music, which is driving me mad). To be very succinct about it, reality isn't really all that real, except for when we believe it is. But we have the power to make things happen, to change reality. I'm not sure this is such a good thing, necessarily, but hey, it's good to be reminded that we are able to change the way we look at things, that our attitudes can affect the way things appear to us and, thus, we can change the way we live our lives.

And, best of all, it's a wonderful reminder to me that I have an impact on the world. We all do, of course, but me in particular (hey, this is my blog, get your own if you don't like me being egocentric). Actually, there's a story I'll maybe share sometime, but not for now.

For now, have a good night--as I am so far.

El Nino, huh?

So, The NY Times is reporting (no, I'm not providing a link, I'm too tired) that the reason so many allergy sufferers are, well, suffering, is because of all this warm weather and--ta-da!--mold.

Mold is one of my two biggest allergens. And, of course, my biggest symptom is fatigue. Hence, chronic fatigue syndrome.

Guess why I've been feeling so awful for the last 24 or so hours?

Okay, so maybe global warming ain't so great after all. Usually, this is how I feel at the end of April, not the beginning of January. I mean, sure, it's great to know that This Too Shall Pass and there's never really a good time for it, so why moan about why now and all that, but, well, shit.

Sigh.

Pizza!

I'm really feeling like crap tonight. Took a nap that turned out to be an hour and a half long and, now that I'm up, I feel like a truck hit me. Chronic fatigue syndrome, the gift that keeps on giving, folks. So, anyway, I'm much too exhausted to cook anything or even heat anything up. So, yes, I've ordered in a large pie with sundried tomatoes, half-broccoli and half-eggplant. The broccoli, at least, will be good for me. Or so I like to tell myself.

Heard today about the little stray kitty that was hanging out in the abandoned building next door, that a neighbor from a few doors down tried to corral into a carrier and only succeeded in freaking out so that she ran away and we didn't know where. I started to mention her to our postal carrier, Ronny, who told me that he'd been the one to find her body on some steps. I'm just so sad about this. And right after he told me, the neighbor who'd wanted to give her a home came out and I told her, too. I'm sorry I did, it didn't occur to me until afterwards that she may feel that she's to blame, but I can't help that, I guess. And in a way, I'm glad I know about Ivy (that's what this neighbor and her young daughters had named her), at least I'm not wondering and worrying about her anymore. I can mourn her and move on.

Someone posted on Echo a link to an article about how pets help people live longer and better lives. As if I didn't already know that. And yet, I immediately thought of my mother and stepfather. For two well-meaning people, it would be hard to find anyone less suited to owning pets, leaving aside deliberately cruel people. It speaks a lot, of course, to the fact that my mother should never have tried to be a parent, but she sucks at the whole care-giving thing and my stepfather is much worse. Of course, she takes care of him and vice-versa...sorta. These are people who, when she had chest pains for three weeks some years back and they finally got bad enough for her to say something to him and it was a Saturday afternoon, they both figured it would be okay if they just waited until Monday and called her doctor. Upon which, of course, the doctor told her to go immediately to the emergency room and she was hospitalized for I don't know how long (I don't know because they didn't even tell me about this until she'd been home for three weeks or so).

Anyway, I'm trying not to think of how poorly they took care of their dogs years ago and their cats. Thankfully, my stepfather recently allowed his last aging, ailing cat to be taken to the vet and, soon thereafter, put to sleep, putting her out of her misery. I don't want to go into details about all her symptoms, I'm sure I don't even know them all, but from what I know, she lived a pretty miserable life. And I'm sure that my stepfather thinks he did the best for her, but in fact, he let her suffer.

I fear that he lets my mother suffer, too. And I have to let that go, because she is his responsibility at this point, not mine.

The neighbor's dog is outside barking again. Sometimes, I hate people.

TBA

It's bad, I think, when you can't think of anything to blog about.

Okay, having said that, I've put off writing about my cat, Smartie. Just before New Year's, I got word that the radiation treatment for his hyperthyroidism hasn't worked, he's still got off-the-chart (though somewhat lower) T4 levels. I pretty much assumed that this would be the case, though I was hoping for something better than "low 30s" (she was calling from her car, didn't have his file in front of her), but since he's still skinny as a rail, drinking like a fish and peeing like a sailor (I believe that's the expression), this was no real surprise to me.

So he's back on Tapazole for the moment and I'll bring him in to his regular vets at Animal Kind in about two more weeks. Next week, about the 10th or the 11th, I'll have a conversation with the vet who gave (oversaw?) the radiation therapy, Dr. Peterson. I'm still trying to think of all the questions I should ask. But what they propose to do is to take Smartie to their other facility, in Westchester, keep him for a month, triple or even quadruple dose him--and, oh, by the way, charge me $3,000. In addition to the $1,800 I spent on this treatment before.

Needless to say, while I haven't made up my mind definitively, there's not much chance of that. Maybe not even if they say they'll accept payments over time. One thing I would like to do is get the names of other places in the NYC area that perform this treatment and perhaps consult with other specialists who do this. But I can't but help feel that, while it's probably not a money-grab (at least, I certainly hope not), this may well be a way to experiment with a high-level thyroid case without having to apply for grants and all that. You know, a pushing-the-envelope kind of thing. Anyway, this is a nearly 16-year-old cat who nearly had a heart attack (okay, not really, I don't think, but it was the most upset I've ever seen him) when I took him in to the Animal Medical Center last week to get the blood test, so I can't see taking him on any long trips again, unless there were some guarantee attached that he'd have four more good years left in him or something. Animal Kind is far enough (3 blocks).

I haven't mentioned this to any of the people who were kind enough to lend me (and, in some cases, give me) money to get this treatment, only some of whom I've managed to pay back so far. I suppose I should, but I've been trying to keep this in the back of my mind, to not panic, to take my time weighing all the options. I knew I didn't have to make a decision the day she told me the news and I also know I don't have to make the decision today or even tomorrow. I think I'm being pretty healthy about it, but maybe I'm just being in denial. I suppose I could be both.

Anyway, I haven't done much else today that I planned to do, but, hey, the night's still...middle-aged. Like me!

Happy New Year

What a whiner I was last night! I actually came back here to either edit my last post or delete it or something. But no, I've decided that it was authentically me and I'll just leave my resentments and self-pitying and all that stuff hanging out there for the world (small as it is) to see.

This is my first New Year's as a blogger. I was going to resolve to blog more in 2007, but while that may be my intention today, I know how these things go. So I'll just say that it's what I'd like to do, but I can't resolve anything further than when I go to sleep tonight.

Here's some of the other things I "resolve". I'm refocusing on my weight--which I did not do last year, actually, choosing instead to focus on my finances. And I made some strides there, which I hope--resolve? intend?--to continue in 2007. Because, really, I gotta.

I desperately need to become more disciplined about all the paper in my life. In particular, I have to catch up on Quicken and I'm realizing that the only way that this is going to happen, because I don't seem to be running out of work so that I can take a breather and do administrative stuff, is to find a way to work Quicken back into my life. I've done it for other things--reading, for example, where I realized a few years back that I was doing precious little of it. Now I have a book in the bathroom, a book in the kitchen and a book in the bedroom and I make time for reading at least at night before I go to sleep, though I find I do more than that, actually. So I have to find a way to do this for Quicken (and dealing with other administrative stuff, like filing). One way to start, I think, will be to substitute one solitaire game for a few minutes of Quicken. It'll be frustratingly slow to do it that way, but it's a start and I can always enlarge on that. We'll see tomorrow (unless I start today--which I don't wanna! Heh.).

I intend to write more. More fiction. I'd like to get published, too. Of course, I'd have to submit my fiction--we'll see.

I'm sitting here, seeing the year ahead stretch out in front of me and am reminded that I don't know anything that's going to happen, really. Oh, I know I'll pay the rent and my taxes and there'll be work, a lot of which I'll farm out to my Sharks. I'm hoping to get a loan to be able to expand my business, hire an assistant, reorganize my office space (maybe get a carpenter to build me stuff?). I'm hoping to join the Y and get some exercise back into my life. Reorganizing my office may mean selling my NordicTrack, which I can't even use these days. I've got lots of ideas of what I'd like to do.

But I'm choosing to feel hopeful about 2007. It's my 12th year in business. 2006 was much better than 2005 and I have reason to think 2007 will be at least as good, maybe even better.

I guess we'll see.