When I logged off after the last post, I thought, damn, that's a self-involved post. Wasn't so much about my dear, sweet cat as it was about me and my reactions to his loss. I felt..selfish. Weird, huh?
Here's some more: I'm still occasionally losing it over his loss. It seems a mixture of things. Sometimes it's just about "LOSS" in big, block letters. It almost has nothing to do with him, except, of course, he's the one who's gone. It could just be about intense loneliness. But it also seems in those times that he's there, underneath the pain, I'm just not dealing with that part of it.
And then there's just a little while ago. I hadn't vacuumed the place since a couple of weeks before he was gone, because I didn't want to disturb him. He was so sick and I just couldn't bring myself to do something that might wake him or upset him. And I hadn't done it before today because I didn't want to clean up "him". Well, apparently I still wasn't ready for that. I decided I'd just do the hallway and the bathroom and maybe a little bit of the kitchen or the office. I started sobbing in the bathroom, because I was cleaning up what was left of his litter. But I managed to finish in there, best I could--what's a little cry, right?
Then I got to the end of the hall, where there was a clump of black cat hair. I did it, I sucked it up--and then I turned off the vacuum cleaner. So much for cleaning. Took me half an hour to stop crying. It's actually the worst crying jag I've had since I picked up his ashes.
So yeah, more about me. Here's what I can't confront, although sometimes it just comes up and smacks me in the face--he was a special cat. He had such a personality! There's so much food I still can't eat and so much more I'm eating, but crying, because he would have been right there, waiting for his piece of what I was eating or drinking. And, even though this should have made him less lovable, the way he would shrug off my attempts at cuddling--except towards the end, when he welcomed it, or seemed to. Which is, oddly, how I knew he was ready to go.
I can't even type more now about him. But the pain is too sharp, still. I guess I'll have to get someone in to clean the house. I'm just too broke right now.
I WANT MY CAT BACK. Please, oh, please, Universe, make it all be a bad dream. Turn back the clock and let me change my mind. Let me have him back..
