I just caught up on my favorite blog (not sure she'd want it published here, so I won't--not that there's a whole heck of a large audience that I have) and she wrote at some point about going to a women's writers' conference--and I am so envious. She's apparently writing stories and I haven't done that in so long. I do think about writing every once in a while. It just happens so very rarely.
Sometimes I think I'm making very poor choices for how I spend my time. Blogging is one of the better choices, actually, because at least I'm writing something. But there's other choices I'm having trouble with, too. Like, when should I have a root canal that I've been told I need? How should I time it so it doesn't make traveling to see my mother and stepfather (a ticket I have been procrastinating about buying for weeks now, I might add) more difficult? I have several things I could do today, including putting everything together for my website so my web designer can make the changes that need to be made.
I'm bad about making choices about where/on what to spend my money, too. And there's so many things I should (or "should") be spending it on and I'm not sure where to start, much less what to do after I start. I find myself wishing that Capital One hadn't given me such a big credit line because there's a great temptation to just buy everything I need at once and then take probably years to pay it down and I just don't think that's a great idea at all.
Anyway, I do need to get to work on the website and I also need something for breakfast...er, lunch and I need to stand up so my back doesn't hurt so much. Or, if I'm lucky, at all. So I'll just have to come back and write some more soon.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tonight/tomorrow
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the fall of the Twin Towers. It's far enough away now not to be a complete horror--unless, of course, I think about it too much. But that's not what I'm thinking about tonight, in any case.
I feel lucky. This year, unlike years past, I didn't start getting depressed a month or so before this day on the calendar. I suppose I've been keeping busy, focusing on what was right in front of me and not much else. Of course, I've always been good at denial. But maybe what that is, besides a survival mechanism, is there's just so much brain power that I've got and it seems to be getting less and less as time goes on and I really just can't think of everything all at once all the time. But, then again, who can? (Other than those poor people with total recall--I used to work with one of them and he was ... sad. But that's another topic.)
But tonight I'm starting to feel it. I suppose some of it may be because today's "West Wing" du jour was the death and funeral of Dolores Landingham. I've watched that now more times than I can count and it still gets to me. Tonight a bit more than it has been, but I think that's understandable.
I miss Mouse. I miss John. I have regrets about each of them, but I'm prepared to forgive myself (and others, where appropriate) and move on. But that leaves me with the sorrow of their loss. The empty places in my heart--esp. where John should be. This assumes that having had more years with him, I would have kept loving him more and more, which I'm not sure is possible. Or at least it's that whatever time one gets to spend with a loved one, that's more memories, more life lived with that person and it becomes part of who you are and losing the person leaves a space that they're no longer going to fill. I'm sure others have written much better about what I'm trying to describe.
It feels good that I'll be doing something productive to honor Mouse on Saturday. I hope to find ways tomorrow to honor both of them, actually, as well as the fallen on 9/11. I hope not to work--at least, that's what I'm planning on, but we'll see.
I need to get more work done tonight, so I'll have less to do over the weekend. I suspect I'll be back here before long. Good night, Mouse. Good night, John.
I feel lucky. This year, unlike years past, I didn't start getting depressed a month or so before this day on the calendar. I suppose I've been keeping busy, focusing on what was right in front of me and not much else. Of course, I've always been good at denial. But maybe what that is, besides a survival mechanism, is there's just so much brain power that I've got and it seems to be getting less and less as time goes on and I really just can't think of everything all at once all the time. But, then again, who can? (Other than those poor people with total recall--I used to work with one of them and he was ... sad. But that's another topic.)
But tonight I'm starting to feel it. I suppose some of it may be because today's "West Wing" du jour was the death and funeral of Dolores Landingham. I've watched that now more times than I can count and it still gets to me. Tonight a bit more than it has been, but I think that's understandable.
I miss Mouse. I miss John. I have regrets about each of them, but I'm prepared to forgive myself (and others, where appropriate) and move on. But that leaves me with the sorrow of their loss. The empty places in my heart--esp. where John should be. This assumes that having had more years with him, I would have kept loving him more and more, which I'm not sure is possible. Or at least it's that whatever time one gets to spend with a loved one, that's more memories, more life lived with that person and it becomes part of who you are and losing the person leaves a space that they're no longer going to fill. I'm sure others have written much better about what I'm trying to describe.
It feels good that I'll be doing something productive to honor Mouse on Saturday. I hope to find ways tomorrow to honor both of them, actually, as well as the fallen on 9/11. I hope not to work--at least, that's what I'm planning on, but we'll see.
I need to get more work done tonight, so I'll have less to do over the weekend. I suspect I'll be back here before long. Good night, Mouse. Good night, John.
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