Saturday, December 21, 2013
Not for publication
Yeah, it wasn't ready fo publication. I copied it and stored it someplace before deleting it from here, but the one person I know who might have read it (and some Russians, maybe????) will just have to wonder. Ha!
Friday, October 11, 2013
Glimmers of Hurt
Okay, I'm not feeling well. I'm coming down with a cold. It may not blossom into a full-fledged nightmare, but then again, it might. So maybe what I'm feeling is colored by my not feeling physically up to speed.
A young friend has done a couple of things lately that I felt/feel ... snubbed by. I really don't feel like he needs to include me in everything or anything, really, but it's like my friendship seems less important...which makes it sound like I think I should be important to him. And maybe that's because he's been important to me. And at a time when I would very much like to rely on him more, he seems to be pulling away. And this may just be timing, not anything to do with me specifically ... okay, my head is fuzzy, I'm having trouble articulating anything, much less anything as complicated as friendship.
Just wanted to put this out there. That I'd like to remain friends with him, with his husband, but I'm also feeling left out of other relationships where there's couples and maybe that's what I'm feeling also. I hate feeling like I'm on the outside looking in, but I also feel that that's where I am. A kid with her nose up against the bakery window. And it's not like I feel like I have much of anything to offer, especially lately. More than ever, I'm actually feeling "needy"--and I think I hate that more than anything else. It's more than just needing people, it's needing them for something else. Not just for themselves. It's not very attractive. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
Gawd, I need a vacation. A real one.
And, damn, I need to get back to exercising.
A young friend has done a couple of things lately that I felt/feel ... snubbed by. I really don't feel like he needs to include me in everything or anything, really, but it's like my friendship seems less important...which makes it sound like I think I should be important to him. And maybe that's because he's been important to me. And at a time when I would very much like to rely on him more, he seems to be pulling away. And this may just be timing, not anything to do with me specifically ... okay, my head is fuzzy, I'm having trouble articulating anything, much less anything as complicated as friendship.
Just wanted to put this out there. That I'd like to remain friends with him, with his husband, but I'm also feeling left out of other relationships where there's couples and maybe that's what I'm feeling also. I hate feeling like I'm on the outside looking in, but I also feel that that's where I am. A kid with her nose up against the bakery window. And it's not like I feel like I have much of anything to offer, especially lately. More than ever, I'm actually feeling "needy"--and I think I hate that more than anything else. It's more than just needing people, it's needing them for something else. Not just for themselves. It's not very attractive. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
Gawd, I need a vacation. A real one.
And, damn, I need to get back to exercising.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Musings
Been reading Isaac Asimov's Guide to the Bible, watching the documentary of Guns, Germs and Steel, watching the original "Jane Eyre" (Orson Welles, Joan Fontaine) and listening to the commentaries, particularly the ones that talk about how awful life was for the poor, including children, and thinking about current events around the world and I've come to a conclusion.
Humans suck.
Of course, that's a big generalization. But to call us "civilized" is definitely granting a very loose meaning to that word. I suppose it stands to reason that human history (and, surely, prehistory) has been filled with harshness and barbarity and cruelties. We're descended from animals--we are animals! And baser instincts still guide us today and will continue to do so for a very, very long time to come. Possibly until we manage to annihilate ourselves, although I hope not.
I guess what gives me that hope is the fact that life today is significantly less harsh in at least some parts of the world than it used to be. And there are the glimmers of greater understanding and tolerance and forgiveness and kindness spreading to areas where little of it has been seen before. And these are the things that will save us, I fervently believe.
Humans suck.
Of course, that's a big generalization. But to call us "civilized" is definitely granting a very loose meaning to that word. I suppose it stands to reason that human history (and, surely, prehistory) has been filled with harshness and barbarity and cruelties. We're descended from animals--we are animals! And baser instincts still guide us today and will continue to do so for a very, very long time to come. Possibly until we manage to annihilate ourselves, although I hope not.
I guess what gives me that hope is the fact that life today is significantly less harsh in at least some parts of the world than it used to be. And there are the glimmers of greater understanding and tolerance and forgiveness and kindness spreading to areas where little of it has been seen before. And these are the things that will save us, I fervently believe.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Hurt
Just got a wee bit hurt by someone I, up until now, felt very warm and friendly toward. He's a former boss, someone who made it possible for me to go to college. I owe him a lot. And I still do, of course. But he just disappointed me by very casually declining my invitation, not realizing (or perhaps caring) that I know whether or not he's even looked at it. As it happens, he didn't even bother to look before saying that he couldn't make it.
Got to let this one go, it's not worth crying over (and I'm not). I am, however, fighting the urge to be diplomatic and forgiving because, just at the moment, it would feel like I was trying to take the high road in order to be the better person and perhaps make him feel small in the process. And that would be: wrong.
Even though I am better and he is small. (heh)
Got to let this one go, it's not worth crying over (and I'm not). I am, however, fighting the urge to be diplomatic and forgiving because, just at the moment, it would feel like I was trying to take the high road in order to be the better person and perhaps make him feel small in the process. And that would be: wrong.
Even though I am better and he is small. (heh)
Thursday, January 10, 2013
John and John
Finishing up reading John Leonard's last book, which was of course a compilation of his essays from his wife, Sue. Even before his death, I envied her, once I heard their story. I was oblivious to it while it was happening, although apparently it was quite the cause celebre at the time, at least among literary and other circles. They were each married to other people when they met and fell madly in love and then left their spouses for each other.
She got her John, had him for many, many years. When she lost him, she got to truly mourn him (probably still does, though I hope and trust the pain has eased for her by now). The two Johns were a lot alike. In looks, quite a bit. In smarts, yes. In alcoholism, although their paths diverged when JL became a recovering alcoholic, while JW became more of a drunk as he aged.
My John, as I think of him, was married when I met him and was married to that same woman until the day he died. He was never mine. He drunkenly pushed me away (metaphorically) a year before he died. I knew he was ill and in the hospital a couple of months later, where I spoke to him on the phone. It was the last time we spoke. Even when his wife--his wife!--called me and said that he wanted to see me, I never saw him again. I thought I'd be better off and so would he. I don't know about him, but I live every day with the knowledge that I failed him.
I don't know if he would have forgiven me, but I know that I cannot. I shouldn't be forgiven. He was the man I loved more than anyone else on the planet and I abandoned him. There's many reasons why I no longer look for another man in my life. Among them is this: if I could do that to John, how would I treat someone I couldn't possibly love as much?
I already have too much to regret.
She got her John, had him for many, many years. When she lost him, she got to truly mourn him (probably still does, though I hope and trust the pain has eased for her by now). The two Johns were a lot alike. In looks, quite a bit. In smarts, yes. In alcoholism, although their paths diverged when JL became a recovering alcoholic, while JW became more of a drunk as he aged.
My John, as I think of him, was married when I met him and was married to that same woman until the day he died. He was never mine. He drunkenly pushed me away (metaphorically) a year before he died. I knew he was ill and in the hospital a couple of months later, where I spoke to him on the phone. It was the last time we spoke. Even when his wife--his wife!--called me and said that he wanted to see me, I never saw him again. I thought I'd be better off and so would he. I don't know about him, but I live every day with the knowledge that I failed him.
I don't know if he would have forgiven me, but I know that I cannot. I shouldn't be forgiven. He was the man I loved more than anyone else on the planet and I abandoned him. There's many reasons why I no longer look for another man in my life. Among them is this: if I could do that to John, how would I treat someone I couldn't possibly love as much?
I already have too much to regret.
Tuesday, January 01, 2013
Happy New Year
It's 2013. Wonder what it has in store. Just for today, I'm in pretty good shape, emotionally. There's plenty to be worried about, but I don't have to do that right now. I'm waiting for sushi to arrive. Tomorrow, I'll get up and go to aquacise class, maybe swim a couple of laps before, if the pool's not too crowded. Although, day after New Year's? I'm expecting the lap lanes to be full, as well as the class. But the latter is manageable and I'll do it anyway.
Then come home, make a pot of coffee, take a shower. Check in with Tess, who'll be handling the business for the day. Do something about breakfast, although at that point, it'll be lunch. Get in touch with EZ to figure out when and where we can meet for dinner or something before seeing the play she has an extra ticket for. (Hoping those are comps.) Unplug the cable box and take it over to Time Warner. If the DVD player is connected to the cable box, try to figure out how to hook it back up to the TV. Then go meet EZ, I suppose--doesn't make sense to leave and come back here. Timing may be a bit tricky.
That's as far as I can think, as far as I need to think. That's about 24 hours. I'm sure I'll fit in other stuff along the way, including answering emails, maybe getting one or two more bills done. But that's tomorrow. Tonight: sushi!
Then come home, make a pot of coffee, take a shower. Check in with Tess, who'll be handling the business for the day. Do something about breakfast, although at that point, it'll be lunch. Get in touch with EZ to figure out when and where we can meet for dinner or something before seeing the play she has an extra ticket for. (Hoping those are comps.) Unplug the cable box and take it over to Time Warner. If the DVD player is connected to the cable box, try to figure out how to hook it back up to the TV. Then go meet EZ, I suppose--doesn't make sense to leave and come back here. Timing may be a bit tricky.
That's as far as I can think, as far as I need to think. That's about 24 hours. I'm sure I'll fit in other stuff along the way, including answering emails, maybe getting one or two more bills done. But that's tomorrow. Tonight: sushi!
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