I don't even know where to begin. I've been sick, I've been busy, I've been tired. And so much that needs to be done has gone undone. Especially with regard to my mother. I feel horrible that I haven't even answered her trustee's emails, let alone talked to her. I've barely managed to get at least some of her bills paid. I think/hope the trustee is taking care of the rest. It's just all been beyond me...including submitting my receipts so I can get reimbursed for trips I've taken to Florida on her behalf. And it's not like I don't need that money, rather desperately at this point.
I'm really having trouble thinking about how to deal with everything logistically speaking. When do I set aside time for this, when do I set aside time to do that? Ultimately, none of it happens and things fall by the wayside.
The only thing I've begun to do is get a handle on getting enough sleep. This is a step in the right direction, because I've been feeling so anxious and needy lately and I'm sure that's not helping me actually get what I need. Some of which is the help I need from other people, because I simply can't do it all myself. And yet I hate that lately all I've been doing is taking, taking, taking. Not a whole heck of a lot of giving. And maybe that's just how it has to be for now. I dunno.
Things happen the way they happen, I guess. I'm terribly sad about a person whom I've known for many years, who I haven't spoken to more than a handful of times this past decade, but without whom I wouldn't have been playing mah jongg since 1994, who is now in hospice, dying of leukemia. And that game is such a constant in my life and so important, it's invaluable. And he's a young man, at least younger than I am, which makes it even worse. He had a lot more to give, a lot more life to enjoy, and it looks like he won't be able to.
Fuck cancer. Fuck being scared and depressed and anxious. To hell with it. Life is to be gone on with. Right? Right.
