Been a while

Yeah, it's been a while. And, needless to say, I've been wasting huge chunks of time on all sorts of games, including spider solitaire and regular solitaire and, and, and...

That's when I haven't been curling up in bed in the foetal position and pulling the covers up over my head. I still think I should be doing that more often, but, oh, well.

So, what's been happening since the last time I was in here? I didn't even check to see when that was, but for sure it was before my stepfather had either a stroke or something else happen while he in a rehab facility and was in the ICU in a coma and woke up from the coma a shell of his former self. My mom's Alzheimer's is progressing nicely, thank you, although not enough to declare her incompetent, so that's a maze I'm trying to make my way through, too, along with all the financial stuff. And, speaking of incompetent, I'm pretty bad at all this, especially since I do that curling-up-in-bed routine way too often. Of course, it's not like I'm sleeping really well, either. That doesn't help.

On the plus side, I've started to lose weight again, although I'm not exercising anywhere near enough or even as much as I'd like to (yeah, those are two different things, ha-ha!). I'm doing well in tai chi, even though my knee still hurts--ya gotta keep moving, really, or you just get frozen in place. That would just make things worse. There's a recital on Saturday for the school and I've promised to be there with my class and I've got a couple of friends coming and possibly my physical therapist. I'm hoping it goes well enough and I don't, like, fall down or anything.

So, there's stuff to look forward to and stuff that's making my head spin, so I try to avoid that as long as I can, until I remember to just bite off a little at a time and that makes it easier.

At least I'm building up the frequent flyer miles. I'm going to get a real vacation out of this one way or the other, dammit. I'm thinking maybe Vegas...

This time of year

I suppose it's like this other times of the year, too, but I'm just noticing how planes flying low overhead are especially nerve-wracking when it gets to be this time of year.

Therapy

Just finished reading Daphne Merkin's piece in the Times Magazine about all the therapists she's been with and her thoughts about therapy and one thing she wrote about made me remember one of mine. Ms. Merkin writes about the deaths of three therapists, one of whom committed suicide (albeit sometime after she stopped seeing him, not during her therapy). I'd been seeing Cary for a year or two when I heard that she was ill and couldn't see patients for a while. I'd been in group therapy with her and it turned out that one of the other patients was a lab technician at the hospital where Cary had been taken, so I heard all the details--Cary had been found by friends in her apartment, unable to move anything but her eyeballs (and yes, this has become a huge fear of mine ever since, since I live alone and could have a stroke and survive it, but not be able to move).

Long story short, she had managed to contract polio and she died three weeks later. A little back-story--in a couple of the last sessions we'd had with her, one of the things we had been discussing was the concept of "winning"--that at least some of us (definitely me) wanted to be The Star. We wanted the attention, we wanted to be right...for whatever reason, this was something, among other things, that some of us strove for.

A week or so after Cary's death, I was talking with one of the other group therapy patients, we were commiserating. She lived in a women's hotel (don't know if they have those anymore) and one of the other residents had been complaining about the fact that her therapist was moving to Colorado. I started laughing--obviously, my co-patient had won! "Oh, yeah? Well, my therapist just *died*!" Which, oddly, I still find mildly amusing.

I think having one's therapist commit suicide kinda beats that, though.

It's been so long since I've tried therapy. My last therapist was okay, or at least not bad. Didn't feel worse after seeing him. I was going through a big growth period, I'm not totally sure I needed him, but it was good to have someone to bounce things off of. I'm certainly not less neurotic, nor am I any better at interpersonal relationships (having none, really, for quite some years now, actually, other than friends--but I'm talking about romantic attachments, of course). So maybe I'd be better at that now, but I'm not inclined to even try.

I've got Spike. What else do I need?

No soap radio

Haven't done any more writing and have been playing way too much solitaire again.

Sigh.

Looking forward to tomorrow, sort of. Going to meet some people for dim sum in Chinatown. Then have to come home and get groceries and stuff--actually, might do that before I leave for Chinatown, that almost makes the most sense, if I can do it early enough. Problem is my knee still isn't entirely better, so I pretty much don't know how to work it all out. I guess I'll play it by ear, see how it goes. Tomorrow.

Write soon!

Yeah, I've been neglecting blogging and I've been neglecting any other kind of writing lately. Dealing with pain and stuff, y'know? Well, that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

I was at a Fourth of July party at a writer's house and there were a bunch of other writers there and one of them asked me if I was a writer and I hemmed and hawed and said no and then I admitted that I'd started writing again, but hadn't gotten very far yet. And that I thought I should get back to work on my novel but that it seemed so stale, maybe I would toss it and start afresh. She said that a lot of writers start something and put it away for years and years and then pick it up again and it works out fine.

So, yeah, maybe. Soon. I'll write soon.

Argh

Sometime yesterday, I was doing something and I thought that, when I was done, I'd go look up ... X. Of course, not only couldn't I remember what X was, but it's still driving me crazy today.

I've been looking up a lot of stuff lately. Like, I remembered that my grandmother didn't have an electric toaster, she used something she put on a stove burner and made toast that way. There are some very old versions of this for sale on eBay, but they're in pretty bad shape and they don't look quite like Grandma's--although it's been so long, I may not remember exactly what it looked like. But there are modern versions and I may get one, since it's been a long time since I've had a toaster--or, to be precise, had a toaster that I could use. There's a Very Old Toaster Oven up in the closet, but I really have no room for it anywhere in the kitchen and, besides, it's, well, Very Old. Like, from 1971 or so. Old.

I want to get a graduation gift for a dear friend of mine and so I tried browsing through Barnes & Noble's site for journals. There's so many choices! And if I can't see it in person, how do I know how the thing looks/feels?

Okay, I've just remembered something else I wanted to look up. I don't think it was X, but it may be.

Tired

Is it weird to be wanting to take a nap at 9:30 at night?

Yeah, I thought so.

Scary

Okay, it's official--I've started writing again. Although calling it that makes it sound like way more than it is. The other day, I wrote a few lines of free verse. That's definitely not writing. Just now, I opened up an old file and it was a story I'd started back in the 90s. I have no idea where it was going to go, what it was the story was to be about. It's possible that I didn't know then and that's why there were only about two paragraphs to it. I still don't know what it's about or what's going to happen next, but there's about four paragraphs now.

This is scary.

What I haven't been able to do yet is return to my novel. I'm just not ready for that yet. It's become even more difficult now, because it's about an advertising man in the 1980s and Mad Men is such an amazing, complex, show about advertising men in the 1960s...I'd be afraid of comparisons. I suppose if I just write what I know, what I meant to write back when I started it (again, in the 90s) and/or what I'd like to write now (as if I know what that is), it'll turn into something that feels right to me. Or at least something I'd be willing to show other people.

What's even scarier at the moment is that I really don't have any new ideas. And back when I was trying to write (yes, the 90s), I had no shortage of plots and characters and things I wanted to say. Most of which I recognized even then as prosaic and unimaginative and dumb, but they seem even more so now. I feel like such a naive, untalented person, why should I even bother? But that seems a pretty unproductive attitude, plus there's a part of me that feels that now that I've started again, I don't want to stop. Almost that I can't stop. Very nearly that I can't stop.

Lost day #4,382

I feel like a wet dishrag. And I feel guilty that I'm not getting any work done. But I'm so tired, I also sort of don't care that I'm not getting any work done.

I suppose it's because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I got caught up in reading the cover article in the Times magazine and so it was after 2 a.m. when I turned out the light. I got up once, a couple of hours later, for a bathroom break and then I slept until the alarm went off at 7 a.m. I hit the snooze once and almost did so again, but I had to get up so early so I could finish a job that I should have finished over the weekend, but I chose to go to my friend's birthday party at a Cyclones ballgame on Saturday, so I didn't quite get it finished last night. I think I made the right choice, though, it was fun.

So I finished the job this morning, then I did another very short (1.5 minutes long!) job and I've been assigning other work and then I managed to get out before the worst of the heat set in and "ran" a few errands. I got cat treats and a couple of cans of cat food. I bought a MegaMillions ticket. I dropped a Netflix DVD into the mailbox. I walked to down to the bank and deposited a check, drew out a little bit to help with shopping. I bought some strawberries and a peach at the supermarket and then bought a few things at CVS. Then I caught the bus back up the hill.

Now that I write it all out, no wonder I'm exhausted. That was all on crutches, mind you. Anyway, I answered some more emails and got a new document set up so I can transcribe something...and then I laid down for a nap. Two hours later, here I am and I can't get motivated to do much else.

I must be really tired, because the air conditioner, which is on fan only, reads 81 degrees and I don't feel hot at all. I just checked the little clock behind me and it also says 81. There's definitely a benefit to being rather cold-blooded.

Il Postino

Just finished watching this movie again, first time since it came out and I saw it in at the movies. I'd forgotten the ending. It's so sad. Heartbreaking, really. And yet I'm sitting here with a kind of a smile on my face. It's such a wonderful reminder to me to try to be who I want to be and to observe the world around me and to tell people how much I love them and ... and ... and ...

I think I will start writing again. Not because of this movie, no. It's just, I've been moving in this direction for a while and it's time. You know? It's time.

Anyway, this is a movie I think I'd like to own (this was a Netflix DVD). Among so many others. (Honestly, I can't understand why I don't already have CASABLANCA. That's my absolutely favorite movie and I don't have the DVD? Outrageous!)

Well, back to work now. It's an easy job, as it turns out, I'm glad I saved it for myself.

Embarrassed

You know that phrase, "embarrassed to death"? I might somebody be that/do that (whatever). I did manage to ask my neighbor across the hall for help and he seemed very eager to do it, because he's, like, the sweetest guy on the planet, but I just couldn't bring myself to ask for more than one favor. So, yes, the food garbage needs to be taken down and yes, I need milk (and he said he was going to the store, did I need anything?) and yes, I need to get my mail--but that I could do myself. But I will probably do that tomorrow. When I go out myself and get the milk and other groceries and get it delivered.

But it's like my mother and stepfather, who put off getting medical attention when they're (in my stepfather's case, for sure) literally dying. So I realize now that I can't really complain about them, because I find it hard to ask for help, too. Although I do get myself to the doctor when there's clearly something wrong, at least. The dentist, maybe not so much yet, but other things keep taking precedence, even though I know dental health can affect so much else.

Anyway, there you have it. I'm a flawed human being, just like everyone else.

Been a while

It's not that I've conquered my solitaire addiction, really. It's just been tamed a little. Plus, I've been so busy, it's sort of gone by the wayside. Not that I don't still waste too much time with it. More that it's less "too much time" than before.

Lots of things have been happening. My knee is pretty bad and I'm not sure what's going to happen next and I have a lot of anxiety, not to mention anger about it. Mostly because the doctors aren't communicating with me very well. Or at least that's who I'm choosing to focus my anger and blame on. It does no good to be angry at the Universe, right? But I'm beginning to realize that it's okay that my appointment on the 17th is "only" a consultation, because I can make this new doctor tell me everything that I need/want to know about what happened, why it happened, can it happen again? What's these shots I'm going to get and what's the process I'll be going through? Does he really have to lie about my diagnosis to get the medicine? Stuff like that.

I'm hoping that, in the meanwhile, I'm making good choices about how to take care of myself. I think I'm doing better, now that I know that I'm not supposed to be walking a lot (thanks for telling me that the week before I spent a day doing a lot of walking and ending up screaming in pain, docs!). I'm icing, icing, icing and resting--some days I'm better at these things than others, of course, but at least I'm not in enormous pain anymore.

Changing subjects, I'm a bit worried about my mother. I haven't told her about my knee yet and I'm hoping to avoid having to. Good thing she's in Florida. Last I heard, my stepfather had gone into a rehab facility. I wonder how he's doing, too, but mostly in relation to how my mother's doing and how she's handling his being out of the hospital, but not yet home. I also wonder how their finances are holding up.

I kind of like not being there, not being directly responsible for these things, but it's also frustrating. I really hope I never have to take over my mother's care, because I'm afraid I'll really suck at it. It's not like I've got my own finances in particularly good shape.

Looking forward to mah jongg this week. I'll have to take car service home, but I'm okay with that, it's worth it to me. But I really, really need a real vacation this year and, the way things are going, I'm not getting one. But ya never know, I guess. I'm taking this one day at a time and today was a good day. Gorgeous weather and I did get out for a little walk. Just around the corner, bought a banana and a scouring pad for dishes, mailed a Netflix DVD back. Met three different neighbors on the way back and had a nice conversation with them, mostly explaining why I'm on crutches. It reminded me of trying to walk with my mother when I was a child, she could hardly walk a few yards in our neighborhood without stopping to talk to someone.

Okay, that's enough rambling. I need to lie down for a bit, then finish a job and start a new one. Maybe I'll be back soon. Maybe I won't.

Damn Google

Just when I'd finally got some kind of handle on my solitaire addiction, Google goes and puts up PacMan. And they've made it available permanently (I'm not going to post where, don't want to feed anyone else's addiction--other than letting you know it is, in fact, still available). I'm still pretty bad at it, but I was seriously deprived back in the 80s. Even as young and cute as I was, it was near impossible to pry those boys away from the game in the bar for more than one or two games. When it first appeared on Google a few days ago, I couldn't remember how to play it, much less figure out how to play it on the computer.

Alas, I figured it out. Sigh.

Anyway, there's other stuff on my mind. Apropos of some stuff I'm transcribing, I was thinking about altruism and how there's some folks who think that even altruism is, in fact, selfish, because one of the benefits of altruism can be, perhaps usually is, a good feeling about oneself. A sense of accomplishment, perhaps, or feeling good about being needed...in other words, that there's plenty of reasons why someone might decide to do something good for someone (or perhaps something) else, but that those reasons are invariably selfish.

I don't buy it. I mean, I know that doing volunteer work, for instance, can make someone feel good about themselves. I don't see this as selfish. I see this as having an evolutionary purpose. For humans to do something on behalf of other people who aren't their family members (or tribe), we had to develop a sense of well-being that derives from doing something good without thought for one's own immediate self-interest. (Sure, the argument can also be made that being in the Peace Corps, teaching African children or doing something positive for the environment can have an impact on our lives overall, albeit indirectly--by educating children about the world, they can become better citizens and perhaps less likely to do things that would further hurt us or the rest of the planet; likewise, the planet as a whole may benefit, but we're on this planet, it benefits us and our children and our children's children, etc.

Anyway, that's plenty of pontificating. I just wondered if I could write all that down and have it come out making sense. I think it does.

One more thing. I went to a get-together with friends yesterday. The night before, I had this, I dunno, brain thing where I very briefly, just a couple of seconds, really, thought that I'd be seeing Mouse there, too. It just breaks my heart that it wasn't true.

We'll worry about that little brain blip some other time.

Back from hell

Okay, so I was away visiting Mom for Mother's Day and for my birthday. I think I felt it was an appropriate time to go and it assuaged my guilt over not wanting to be there at all and staying away as much as I possibly can. But it was still hell, not least of which because of my own attitudes, for which I take full responsibility. This doesn't negate the fact that it was, indeed, hell.

I could tell that my mother's Alzheimer's is worse. I suppose it could have just seemed that way because she was under enormous stress because my stepfather is so ill. I can't even deal with how angry I am at him. I'm not a bad person for wishing he had, in fact, died--it would have served him right. Except then he wouldn't be suffering, which I don't wish on him, but at least some of the suffering is his own damn fault for trying to be a martyr or whatever the heck reason it was that kept him from getting medical attention when he first started feeling ill. He was literally at death's door when he finally got to the hospital. Neither of them seems to grasp the fact that, the longer you wait, the more ill you get and the worse the treatment and recovery time can be. Not to mention the prognosis.

Okay, that's as much venting about this that I'm going to do right now. I'm taking most of tomorrow off and seeing a couple of doctors and either having lunch with a friend or else trying to buy a nice pair of pants at Bloomingdale's. And/or a nice pair of sandals.

Meanwhile, I have to once again try to break the old solitaire habit, which is back with a vengeance. Stress-related, I guess.

At it again

Yeah, so I'm still wasting time with solitaire. But I'm tired. It's been a long weekend and it's hot.

I did get to tai chi this morning and then I walked a lot and bought stuff I needed and got some of it delivered...but I was tired and already carrying a lot in my backpack (which I'm not supposed to do, which I'm now belatedly remembering) and it's hot.

I think I'm trying not to deal with the phone call I got from my mother last night about my stepfather's ill health. I don't know exactly what's going on or what I can do about it. I'm supposed to go down there on the 10th, which is the day he's now scheduled for...what? Surgery? A procedure of some sort? Hopefully, my mother will get more information tomorrow. If not, I may have to make a phone call myself. I just remembered, too, that I was going to call Delta today to see if I can switch my flight(s) and, if so, how much it'll cost.

I'm very conflicted about this, because there's a part of me that wishes ... no, I can't type it, I can barely stand to think it--but I do feel it. I'm sure I'm a bad person for wishing him ill and I also do wish him well, if only because I don't want my mother to worry about him and I don't want her to have to deal with his loss. I would say that I also don't want to have to deal with taking on responsibility for her or for him, for that matter, but I suspect I'm going to have to do that, anyway. Which is nearly an impossibility for me, considering that I'm in NY, they're in Florida and I don't drive. Also, I'm a person with time management issues as it is.

Oy. I mean, really, what else is there to say?

Need to work

I don't know how I've managed this, but I think I have four jobs to do this weekend. If I don't sleep, I think I can do it. But I'm just so tired.....

Anyway, I've just ordered my mother's Mother's Day present--which her husband and, I hope, I will get to share (it's food). But it costs an arm and a leg and I really can't afford it. Esp. since I went to the dermatologist today ($50) and then filled the prescription he gave me ($119). I do have my health insurance premium, but May rent? Not so much.

Sigh.

That kind of day

It's an odd spring day today here in NYC and the wind and the sun together are bringing back memories for some reason. Lazing around on the deck of a boat moored in City Island--it'd be too windy for sailing, so we'd just lay around, John would tinker with the engine or other things. We'd make love below decks, with the waves mirroring our movements, the warm sun streaming down through the open hatch over the double bunk.

A nice memory.

There was a flash of an even earlier memory, of laying on the grass in the park across from our house, or maybe even our own lawn, watching the wind blow through the trees and the flowers and the bushes and the grass and trying to think of how to describe how I felt, but not having the words. I still don't. Except I know I didn't want days like that, moments like that to end. I remember feeling deep sadness when I noticed the light changing, the sun moving toward the horizon. Melancholy, that's the word for that, at least.

Needing help

I'm beginning to think I need an intervention. I wonder if there's a 12-step group for Solitaire.

I've been thinking a bit about 12-step programs lately, partly because a friend posted on his vlog the other day, questioning whether he was an alcoholic and I left a comment with a link to AA's 12 questions.

But even before that, I was thinking that I may have drifted farther away from Al-Anon than might be good for me. In particular, I'm having trouble lately with being judgmental. Even when I was going to meetings, I had issues around this--I think one has to be able to maintain good judgement about other people and situations, but being judgmental is different than that. And, of course, it's a fine line. I think I've been stepping over that line since I stopped going to meetings, so maybe it's time for me to go back, at least a little bit. Or at least pay more attention to my own attitudes and not let myself fall into patterns that aren't healthy for me.

Which is something I should probably pay attention to anyway, since I'm going to see my mother in a couple of weeks.

Morning

Whether it's good or not remains to be seen--I'm still half-asleep, so I can't tell. I just stopped myself from opening up Solitaire, came here instead. Good, right?

Meanwhile, I've got a job I have to finish before my assistant gets here at 11:30. I can't really afford him, but there are so many, many things to do and I'm in "If you spend it, you will find the money" mode. I'm pretty sure I'll be able to put together my health insurance premium, but May rent? Hmm.....

I'm really wishing I hadn't bought plane tickets to go see my mother in a few weeks. Couple of weeks, really. For so many reasons, including my finances. But it's time and I'll spend my birthday with her and it's only three days. I'll live, right?

Tired, but happy

Spent a wonderful day with my old friend, Kat, yesterday. She treated me to high tea at the Plaza, then we went to a movie with Anthony Hopkins, then we walked down to the Algonquin, where we had Manhattans and shared some steak fries that had a ton of garlic and some chicken quesadillas. I just loved talking and talking and talking with her. I suppose if we had more time to spend together, we'd run out of things to talk about.

Naw, we wouldn't.

Anyway, today was also good. I had a nice breakfast--eggs and chicken sausage, with some zucchini cut up into the eggs and a little bit of cheddar cheese, all scrambled into something like a fritatta--except I don't broil it at the end. A bit of salsa, a bit of yogurt, yummy! Then, just a little while ago, I made Indian food. Punjab eggplant, Jaipur vegetables, rice, yogurt, eggplant relish and a new apple-pear chutney that has a little hotness to it, garlic naan...and the best part is, there's enough leftovers for two more meals. Which is how I frequently have this meal.

Of course, now I need yet another nap, but I have work to do. I wish I'd win the damn lottery already, so I could just let other people do the work and I'd let the managers supervise them.

Someday.

Winning some battles

Losing the war, though. It's okay, I've got it down to a dull roar or something like that.

Anyway, I've been thinking about the state of the world lately (in part because of some work I'm doing). And I find myself thinking about how my life has gone, what things were like in the world 40, 50 years ago compared to the world we're living in now. And I find myself looking at the world through the eyes of someone like my young assistant, Mathew. He's 25 and smart and funny and kind and basically a very cool guy. And I've been watching his daily vlog and I can see him start to figure out things that I figured out years ago, only I was older than he is when I did so. But the world is so very, very different in many ways--and also way too much the same in others.

But I guess it's the perspective of history that I enjoy now that I know he can't have, because he's too young, and that intrigues me. He just hasn't lived long enough to know the kind of things that I know, just like I couldn't have the knowledge of my elders when I was growing up or even as a young adult. Like, what was it like to live through the Great Depression? Not that we're living through that now, not by a long shot--despite what some people may think or feel, our safety net is holding us together. Maybe not well or not without showing some strain, but it's there and there was nothing, absolutely nothing of that in the 30s. That's when the safety net came into being (thank you, Franklin Roosevelt). And I'm sure there's still things about the past that I don't understand or can't appreciate and maybe I never will.

But there's the anxiety of living in a very unstable world that's apt to fall apart at a moment's notice with no warning (hello, volcano ash?) and where our resources are being strained to the limit and where things happen incredibly fast that makes this time especially ... well, exhilarating, exciting and terrifying. It would be nice to have the cushion, if you will, of history's lessons to guide us, I think.

Lost day

Today has not turned out the way I envisioned. My plans to meet an old friend for lunch got postponed to next Tuesday (and is now high tea at the Plaza--woo-hoo!). So I figured I could get a bunch of other work done. And you'd think the reason I haven't, for the most part, been particularly productive is, y'know, solitaire. And while you'd be a little bit right, it's more that I ended up watching an entire movie this afternoon, while I was only planning on watching a little bit while I had breakfast and, later, lunch. Well, the lunch viewing ended lasting the entire film, I was that caught up in it.

"The Lake House" is Sandra Bullock (one of my favorite actresses, although I know she's not everyone's cup of tea) and Keanu Reeves (not usually one of my favorites, but he was fine in this). The supporting cast was great, the writing and directing fine. I noticed somewhere that this is a remake of a Korean film, of all things. It gets a bit confusing at times, esp. at the beginning, but it doesn't matter. It's a fine love story and ... I'm a bit sad and confused right now.

Which is probably why I think this is a good movie. Or at least it's one that I'd like to see again and again and I hope to get it on DVD soon (this was a Netflix rental).

Anyway, I think I'll go finish this really short job and then think about dinner. I have so much food in the house that I need to cook...and I don't feel like cooking at all. But I will feel incredibly profligate if I order in. Fortunately, I'm not hungry yet, so we'll see what happens.

Missed me?

Okay, so I skipped yesterday. The day got filled up with, yes, of course, solitaire. But also work. It was a job that I'd offered to someone and was relieved when she turned it down, because it occurred to me that I could do it myself. And so I did.

Today, I'm going to go off to do the laundry shortly, then I'll have something to eat (probably a scone from Ladybird Bakery) and then I'm going to walk over to the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens to check out the cherry blossom trees and see whatever else they have going on over there. Maybe there's some tulips left--they have magnificent tulips over there.

Of course, my allergies will be in full force, but I am willing to suffer for this, because it's going to be another beautiful spring day and I am bound and determined to take advantage of it. Tomorrow, it'll be raining, plus I have a lunch date with an old friend, so it's today or...well, next week, I suppose, but it's quiet enough right now that I can take this time.

On the way home, I'll stop at the post office and mail all the tax stuff I have to mail. Then, if I remember (and I really need to), I'll get another bag of kitty litter from the place on 8th Street. I'm hoping that fresh litter will get my poor cat to poop. I think the last time was Monday. He may have to start getting a different medication and it's not supposed to hide in food all that well and he may just starve instead. Weird cat metabolism, this one. The amitriptyline he's on usually gives cats diarrhea. Go figure.

Anyway, I'm off to the laundromat. Still my least-favorite chore, although I do it second-most-often.

Popping in

Just popping in here to say that, yes, I've played a bit of solitaire today, but really not that much and at least part of that time I was too tired to think straight and so it was probably the second-best use of my time (the first being to take a power nap, which is what I eventually did).

But I've gotten other stuff done, too, and expect to do more. And, thankfully, some work came in which I'm doing myself, since if there's no other work to be had, this will be the only income I have for today/tomorrow and I'm trying not to freak out, but I'm happy enough to have some actual work. If that makes sense. Too tired/busy to decide.

Ciao!

Lazy Sunday

It is a lazy Sunday, or at least that's how it's turning out. Which is a shame, because I doubled my antihistamine dose just so I'd have more energy today--or at least wouldn't pass out the way I did yesterday afternoon. And I didn't run out of steam so completely this morning the way I did last week on my way to tai chi. But I've still spent a lot of time on, well, yes, solitaire today, as well as watching West Wing episodes and, while I've also gotten some other stuff done, there's still that very long list of things I wanted to do yesterday that got carried over to today... and they're mostly not getting done today, either.

But tomorrow is another day, right? And today isn't over yet. And I did accomplish some things. Like, I had breakfast for a change, before going to tai chi. And I picked up a couple of things from Union Market (more muscat grapes!). I finished billing--unfortunately, there wasn't much to bill, it was very quiet last week. So, for a week in which I earned precious little money, I ended it by booking a plane trip to Florida to see my mother. I so very much don't want to go, but I need to for various reasons and I just bit the bullet. A friend has offered to front me the money, but the fare did drop somewhat again and I'd rather not owe it to him--I'd much rather take a bit longer to pay a couple of subcontractors and save my friend's generous offer for when I really need it. Which would presumably be when my stepfather or mother dies, since I'll have to go immediately and will probably require a "compassionate" fare, which is none-too-compassionate, really. Honestly, though, I shouldn't go, I've barely recovered financially from my holiday trip. I just don't see how I can put it off any longer and I will just have to buckle down again and save up for my next trip, later this year. Which will not be to Florida. It will be someplace: fun.

Anyway, I should start thinking about dinner. Pumpkin muffins will have to wait until tomorrow or the next day. As will potato latkes. Tonight, I'll make some more rice and the rest will be leftover Indian food.

I was just reading a short story and one of the two people in it looks at her life, at how she lives in a studio apartment, has no one over to visit, has no food in the house--basically, at how lonely she is. It hit home, a little. The thought had crossed my mind yesterday and again this morning that I could try calling my friend Louise to see if she had plans for today, maybe she'd like to get together--possibly even Tuesday, when the Botanic Garden is free. And I haven't done that. And I probably won't.

I wonder if I'm depressed. Nah. I'm just tired. Phooey.

Unstructured day

It's Saturday and I have zero work in-house. Which is a bit scary, actually. But that's not what's worrying me right now. No, right now, it's that I have too many things to do and all the time in the world (or at least the next day or so) in which to do them. And even having the weekend isn't enough time, really, to get them all done, so I have to make decisions about what to do with my time.

Of course, what I want to do is: nothing. This, however, is unacceptable. I suppose I should sit down and write a list of everything that needs and/or wants doing.

I've already gone shopping. I got some cash from my bank's ATM. Then I picked up some more meds from Spike's vet. Then I got some more cat food. Then I got some groceries from Union Market (fiddleheads! cheese! eggs! pear!). Then I walked to the bagel store and got an everything bagel and a quarter-pound of whitefish salad. Half of which I put on the bagel when I got home, after sauteeing the fiddleheads in butter and garlic with a skooch of salt and pepper and had that as a side dish. Yum!!!

Now I need a nap.

Quiet

It's very quiet here today. Not good. Not good because there's no work. No transcription work, that is. Sure, some may come in later, but it's been pretty quiet all week. I blame the holidays. But if it doesn't pick up again next week, I'll have to do something. Like start a Google adwords campaign.

It's also hot in here--79 degrees. And yet I haven't turned on the fan, let alone the airco. If I just sit here quietly, it's not uncomfortable. It's cooler outside, I could open a window. But then there's all those trees out there, with their allergens... Sigh.

I have played some solitaire today already, but at least some of it was by way of trying to figure out what chore I should tackle next. Of course, the rest of it was pure time-wasting. I'm going to have to stop beating myself up over this, maybe that'll free up my brain for other things. Like entering stuff into Quicken, at which I am terribly behind.

Mah jongg tonight--yay! Big question before that, though, is: do I do another round of laundry this afternoon or not? And, if yes, then should it be more towels or should it be blankets/sheets/the odd undies and socks? I hate having to make decisions.

Speaking of which, the one big thing I should do today is look at my brand-new IRA account and figure out where to invest it. I'm getting all sorts of advice on Echo, but not much specific. I think I'll have to browse around the Sharebuilder site and see if I can make heads or tails of it, at least enough to, yes, make a decision.

One of those days

Yes, it's been one of those days when there was one step forward, two steps back. I refer, of course, to solitaire. 'Nuff said?

Other than that, I did get some laundry done. A drop in the bucket, really, but I did it. And I went to the bank to make a deposit and saw a floor officer and had her make a change to my account so I don't have to pay 15 bucks for a wire transfer anymore and then I went to CVS and picked up my and Spike's prescriptions. And then I went and got some more groceries at Union Market (and they had more muscat grapes! Yum!). And I've just finally gotten back to the job I started this morning and which I really thought I'd finish tonight...but now I'm not so sure. We'll see. Oh, and I changed the sheets on the bed, so I'll get to sleep on clean sheets for a change.

I need to wash the dishes now. Fortunately, this is a chore I actually enjoy.

More work

Okay, so I'm trying to stay away (again) from solitaire. I have gotten some work done, mostly adminstrative stuff. I have just converted a couple of short videos that I have to transcribe and I suppose I should just do the transcripts, because I'm going out to dinner tonight with friends and I want to have beer or wine and I don't want to have to do this work when I get home.

I did do 13 minutes on the Nordictrack, which required a second shower today, which I'm sorry about. I could have simply waited to shower after the workout. Oh, well. But hey, 13 minutes, a minute more than last week. I really need to practice tai chi, too, but lately whenever I start, I end up with a cat hanging off my shoulder. I'll have to time it better so I do it when he's really, really asleep.

I need to snack on something now so I won't be ravenous when we get to the restaurant and I won't get all lightheaded on one sip of beer. I'm really looking forward to this place--we went there after my tai chi recital last December and then I went to San Diego the following week, where I had much, much poorer Mexican food. Go figure.

There was something else I was going to write about, but I guess I'll have to come back when I remember what it was.

work

Okay, so I've just indulged a little solitaire time, but since I don't have much else to do, it's all right. Especially since I did keep it to a minimum. Okay, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

Actually, it's not that I don't have anything I could be doing, I just don't feel like doing it right now. I have a ton of input to do into Quicken, for one thing. I think I still have one or two more invoices to get out and I should probably then look at whether I need to send out any statements. I could also look a little closer at some new transcription management software that I noticed yesterday and I could also (gasp!) work on my business plan. And think about/research ways that I could find more/better Sharks without having it take a whole heck of a lot of time.

And then I could have breakfast.

Stopped

Okay, I just stopped myself from going to play another round of Solitaire. What I really want to do is go take a nap. This would, I think, be a much better use of my time. At least, it won't hurt my hand and arm.

Oh, the magnolia tree is in full regalia today. Some petals have already started to fall, so tomorrow it will be a little less magnificent, but today it is simply splendid. And even as its finery falls, it will be beautiful for quite a long time to come.

I'm sure there's a nice metaphor in there somewhere, but I really do need a nap.

Yeah, okay

Yeah, okay, I'm back here because I've been losing the Solitaire Wars...again. But at least I resisted the urge this time long enough to come here instead.

It doesn't help either my blogging or my attempts to do something other than play computer card games that it's prime allergy season and the chronic fatigue that I thought I'd conquered is back with a vengeance. So if I'm at the computer, sometimes the most I can manage is mindless computer card games. And then I go to bed and get even less done.

So, yesterday I made progress on the one job I started on Friday, but I didn't finish it and I've already started it again today, but first I went to tai chi. While walking over there, which is usually not a big problem, for the second week in a row, I ran out of steam after about half a mile. I didn't stop, I just slowed to a crawl and, when I got there, I had to sit for 10 minutes before class started to get some energy back. The class was good, except Mr. Choey didn't do the usual qi dong exercises to start with. Still, I got a lot out of it. And got exhausted walking back home, but I stopped a couple of times--once for cat food (that they didn't carry, grrr) and once for brunch food (everything bagel, whitefish salad...b&w cookie--and the bagel was still warm when I got it home!).

I need to get the job done, do more billing and cook something for dinner tonight. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot that I stopped by Union Market, which is right by where I take the tai chi class. They had something I'd never seen before--pink muscat grapes. I bought some and, boy, are they delicious! It's going to be hard not to eat the whole, huge bunch today. I've already cleaned the stovetop and cut up the cauliflower that I've been wanting to cook for days now but I keep running out of steam and end up having cheese and crackers for dinner. I have hopes for actually cooking the stuff tonight, along with some rice and I have another Indian dish I can make and one leftover garlic naan, which I hope is still good.

I will try not to think about how bad my allergies are right now, considering that the end of April is usually the worst time for me. Meanwhile, the magnolia tree across the way is in full bloom, at last. Some of the blossoms on the lower branches, which get a bit less sun than the top, are still a bit closed, but that just means there'll be beauty for a while longer. The tree is now well over four stories tall. It's truly magnificent.

Okay, to work now.

It's Saturday, right?

All week long I've thought it was the next day. That is, Tuesday felt like Wednesday, Wednesday felt like Thursday, etc. Yesterday definitely felt like Saturday, so today really feels like Sunday. I'm kinda glad it isn't, because that would mean I'd have to be getting ready to go to tai chi and I'm just starting to drink my coffee and I'm comfortably ensconced in my chair at the computer.

I do have to go out this morning, though. I have to mail my brother's birthday present, which will probably get there late, but since I don't think he's going to like it--well, part of it he will like, but not all--it's probably okay. I'll try to remember to call him on Monday, at least.

Then I need to get milk and I need to get cat food. Then I can come home and get more work done. I didn't actually get much done yesterday. I mean, yeah, I went to the bank and then I actually went and got some laundry done, but work-work? Not so much. I think my allergies are just knocking me out and I find myself napping a lot and yet still getting tired, well, a lot earlier than I used to. I used to be a night owl! I want to be a night owl, I hate getting up early. But I didn't set the alarm last night--and I woke up spontaneously at 7. Phooey.

Oh, well, like is always full of these little changes, I suppose.

Today's another day

Okay, so I just went over my solitaire limit for the day. Well, I think I did, anyway, but since I haven't actually defined any such limit, per se, I can't be sure about that. Let's just say that I did, though, okay?

I also, in the process, came to the conclusion that I don't really need to do the laundry today. It would be nice if I did, but it can really wait until next week. I just suspect the laundromat may be rather crowded today, being a holiday and people may want to be doing their laundry before going away for the weekend. Of course, I could be completely wrong about this. But I have plenty of panties and socks and clothes and laundry can just wait until Monday or Tuesday.

I will, however, go to the bank today. I've got three checks to deposit, maybe more once the mail gets here. So I'll do that, buy another Megamillions ticket, maybe do some food shopping. I need to cook food today, although I am leaning towards having three breakfasts--the leftovers from yesterday's, some oatmeal with banana and raisins (or strawberries, if they're still any good) and, well, if I change my mind about the laundry, I'll get a scone of sort (apricot poppyseed? maple walnut?) from Ladybird Bakery. I suppose I could go there without going to the laundromat. It's just inconvenient.

I also need to, y'know, work. The webinar from Wednesday turned out to be another short one (thank goodness), so I'm hoping to get it half done today, the other half tomorrow and then I can have Sunday "off". As "off" as one can be when one is a business owner, that is.

Maybe more later. Maybe not.

April Fool's

Well, I just spent a little time with solitaire but, really, it's about all I have energy for, so it's not a big deal. I think allergy season is upon us, which is why I came home from seeing my accountant about taxes and then having lunch with a friend and I'm thoroughly, completely exhausted. I've already taken one nap and am about to have another. And this after 2.5 cups of coffee, 1.5 more than usual.

But I'm so glad I got to go out today. It's truly a beautiful day out there and I look forward to another day like this tomorrow, when I have to go to the bank ... and then do laundry. My least favorite chore. Well, okay, second-least favorite--I hate mopping floors the most.

Meanwhile, I'm happy to see that the humongous magnolia tree across the way looks unscathed from the rainstorms we had the last couple of days. And the blossoms are just beginning to open...

progress?

I'd like to report some progress in what might be called the Solitaire Wars if I were so inclined to think of it that way. Which, since I've just written it, I suppose I am.

And I suppose I can report that progress, even though I haven't stopped playing. Twice already today, in fact. But (a) I didn't even start it until after I'd already done some work (sent out three statements and two reminder emails) and (b) I'm beginning to have some discipline around how much I play each time. So, yeah, progress, of sorts.

Today, I have to work on my taxes, since I'm seeing my accountant tomorrow morning. The ever-wonderful Mathew was here last night, helping me get everything prepared, now I just have to go through Turbotax and see how it all shakes out. I'm spending way too much for the accountant, but she comes highly recommended by my previous accountant, who has retired. And I don't expect to need an accountant again for a couple of years--I hope. But, if I do, I'll shop around.

The other thing I need to do today is write a note of condolence. I found a suitable sympathy card amidst my greeting card stash. But I really must write something to go with it. And I need to donate some money in memory of the dear man who passed away. Damn, I can't think about his passing without feeling such deep, deep sadness. There's hardly a positive adjective that one can apply to a human being that doesn't describe him.

Better

This is helping. No, really.

Of course, it's all a procrastination technique, it could be argued. And mostly it is. But sometimes it's a way to do something to relax and/or give my brain a break and/or even think things through--like, what's next on my to-do list? But coming here instead of playing solitaire is also giving me the impetus to do other things, even instead of blogging. Like taking a shower.

Did I mention that my cat is a lunatic? I saw him waiting for me to wrap the towel around me before jumping up on my shoulder. There was just nothing I could do about it except stand there, dripping. And laughing. At least he knows (most of the time) not to jump when there's nothing but bare skin.

I wonder if this (writing about relatively inconsequential stuff) be better if I were on Twitter?

Nah.

Argh

This is ridiculous, right? The urge is so strong right now--and it's not that I want to blog. I want to PLAY!

Sigh. I've had breakfast, of sorts. Not having enough milk for oatmeal (I know, I know, it can be made with water--ugh), I opted for what would otherwise be lunch: a salami and tomato sandwich on whole grain bread with about a half a cup of raisins on the side. Oh, it's an heirloom tomato--they really do taste incredible. And some of them look really, really weird, especially after you slice them. This one is nearly "normal"--i.e., the way we're used to seeing tomatoes, which is not necessarily really normal.

Anyway, I'm going to start working now.

More today

Okay, so I've played solitaire once already--that's enough, at least until much, much later. I have work to do. I have breakfast I should be eating. I have waking up to do. Already finished my one cup of coffee for the day, but I didn't get much sleep last night. Woke up for a potty break around 5am and didn't do much besides dozing between then and 8am when the alarm went off. And I'd only gotten to sleep around 1:30. I see a nap later on in my future. Also: going to the bank and getting milk and cat food. Hoping the rain actually does slow down or even stop, the way the radar on the Weather Channel seems to be predicting. Hard to imagine at the moment, with the downpour that's been going on for hours.

Okay, breakfast. Now.

Back again

Okay, I've managed to get a lot of work done and read another blog, but the urge to "play" is pretty strong right now, so I'm back.

One thing I suppose I'm hoping for is to get back into the habit of writing. It's been much too long since I've even tried to get any done (other than this blog). Unfortunately, my favorite blog had a link to someone else's blog and the writing there is simply so exquisite and beautiful that I once again despair of ever writing anything worthwhile or even half so lovely. I will keep going back to it, hoping for inspiration instead of deflation.

Breaking the habit

So, it's been a while, huh? I've been trying to break an increasingly bad Spider solitaire habit and I seem to have simply added a regular solitaire habit, instead. I hate to admit, even to myself, how much time I've wasted with these two games alone. They are truly addictions.

In an effort to break this habit (and start a new one?), I've decided to come in here and post every time I feel like clicking on the link to either of those games. What this means is that I'll probably be posting a lot of drivel for a while. But if I've learned anything from the multiple conversations one of my clients has been having with some brain researchers, the brain is eminently amenable to change. Patterns of thought and actions can be changed, it just takes some time and effort.

Wish me luck.

late night musings

The last couple of weeks, I've been watching some DVDs that I own and some I've gotten from Netflix. It's been at least that long, maybe longer, since I've restarted watching The West Wing. Which may be a new world's record for me. But I'm thinking that I'm going to have to start again tomorrow. Unless I get my next Netflix movie in the mail, which is possible. But I'm getting a bit bored with my limited DVD library, so WW may be in the offing very soon.

There's a lot of stuff I could watch from Netflix on my computer, but I just don't want to sit here that long to do that. I'm not supposed to sit that long, in fact, or else I'll hurt my back again. And I almost went into spasm yesterday, after, well, probably overdoing things, including working out and carrying stuff and bending and just not being all that careful. Also, really, I've been sitting too long. So I work in shorter installments and I get less done and I'm not at all happy, but there it is.

Anyway, it's really not that late, but I'm turning into a pumpkin, anyway. Just wanted to get some writing done, even if it's just this little bit.

Procrastination

Actually, I'm writing this so I don't play anymore spider solitaire.

Not that I think this will help, you understand. But I have so much work to do and I waste SO MUCH TIME playing that game and free cell, it's horrible. I need to have Time Management stamped on my forehead or something--but I wouldn't be able to see that unless I was looking in a mirror, so I need something else to get me to be more productive.

Odd mood

It's true, I'm in an odd mood. Not wanting to do any more work today--not that I've done a lot up till now as it is. And if I can finish this one small job, then I'll be free and clear to tackle another one over the weekend.

I've been breaking out in hives the last couple of days and my chin is broken out and there's little things going wrong with my body. Some of that could be chalked up to getting older, but the hives and stuff--that's stress.

It's money. I'm worried about money. Or, rather, trying not to worry about money, trying not to think about how much I owe and how long it's going to take me to catch back up. Hoping that nothing happens to my mother or my stepfather that would require me to head to Florida on a moment's notice, because I'd have to borrow money to do that.

It will help to get the insurance money for Spike's emergency surgery. As long as I have enough credit to be able to, well, jump on a plane to Florida on a moment's notice or, heaven forfend, if Spike needs another trip to the vet, then I can breathe easier.

And, of course, I need another vacation. A real one. I've been fantasizing about going on a cruise this year. Maybe combine it with another trip to California around the holidays and then take a cruise from San Diego to Central America, going through the Panama Canal and flying back to NY from Miami.

That's not this year. But someday.

And, there, that little flight of fancy? I feel better just imagining it.

Groundhog Day

Yes, it's February 2nd and so what have I started watching tonight? Groundhog Day, of course. It's such a light piece of fluffy comedy...and I think it's one of the most important movies ever made. Well, okay, that may be overstating it a bit. Still, it's got a message that a ton of people find resonates with them, although most of them seem to think it has something to do with "God". I don't. I just think that, for all anybody ever says that one's attitude can make the difference between having a good day or a good life, this movie shows us how that can work. And makes us laugh and care about the characters while it has this underlying theme running through it. I love that.

For some completely unrelated reason, I've been thinking about my mother and my stepfather tonight. And money. More to the point, the resentment I have/used to have around how my stepfather could have helped me financially a bunch of years ago and he chose not to. I know I carried that resentment around for a good long while, but I think I've given it up, finally. Carrying around resentments like that is simply no good, quite unhealthy and it's one of those attitudes one can choose to have or to give up and it feels like I've given it up. Except I worry that there's still this little germ of it nestled somewhere in the depths of my gut...it's like I let go of 90, 95% of it, but there's still this little bit left, like a weed that's been pulled up, but I didn't get out all of the roots. And I don't think I can do anything about that--as much energy as it would be to carry around the full resentment, it seems almost more trouble than it's worth to go digging around to pull out the rest. Which may not make sense, but that's how it feels.

Odd day

It's been a real Monday. The kind you shoulda stayed in bed with the covers pulled up over your head. Don't want to go into detail, but it involved tax forms and technology. I think I can leave it at that. I mean, it worked out in the end, but it took hours and hours more than it should and I think I got a few more grey hairs out of it.

There's things I should have done today and didn't. Things I shouldn't have and did--including skipping a seminar at Fordham tonight where I could have learned something or perhaps made some good connections. Sigh.

Tonight, I finished watching the last episode of The West Wing. Again. I've lost track, I think this was my seventh time through the DVD set. I think it's offical--I'm a total fanatic about this show. Or, as Josh says, when talking to someone on the show about her wearing a Star Trek pin, it's a fetish.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I can make different mistak...I mean, choices tomorrow.

Up at this Hour?

Yeah, I really have no idea why I can't get to sleep tonight. All keyed up because I have tai chi in the morning? Maybe. Probably other stuff, too. I'm soooo tired, I can't think straight, but here I am, blogging. And, of course, going to tai chi class when I'm sleep deprived will not be fun--except I think it still will be. I can hardly wait to get back.

I'm going to float around on the Web a little bit more and then try sleeping again.