Monday, May 24, 2010

Damn Google

Just when I'd finally got some kind of handle on my solitaire addiction, Google goes and puts up PacMan. And they've made it available permanently (I'm not going to post where, don't want to feed anyone else's addiction--other than letting you know it is, in fact, still available). I'm still pretty bad at it, but I was seriously deprived back in the 80s. Even as young and cute as I was, it was near impossible to pry those boys away from the game in the bar for more than one or two games. When it first appeared on Google a few days ago, I couldn't remember how to play it, much less figure out how to play it on the computer.

Alas, I figured it out. Sigh.

Anyway, there's other stuff on my mind. Apropos of some stuff I'm transcribing, I was thinking about altruism and how there's some folks who think that even altruism is, in fact, selfish, because one of the benefits of altruism can be, perhaps usually is, a good feeling about oneself. A sense of accomplishment, perhaps, or feeling good about being needed...in other words, that there's plenty of reasons why someone might decide to do something good for someone (or perhaps something) else, but that those reasons are invariably selfish.

I don't buy it. I mean, I know that doing volunteer work, for instance, can make someone feel good about themselves. I don't see this as selfish. I see this as having an evolutionary purpose. For humans to do something on behalf of other people who aren't their family members (or tribe), we had to develop a sense of well-being that derives from doing something good without thought for one's own immediate self-interest. (Sure, the argument can also be made that being in the Peace Corps, teaching African children or doing something positive for the environment can have an impact on our lives overall, albeit indirectly--by educating children about the world, they can become better citizens and perhaps less likely to do things that would further hurt us or the rest of the planet; likewise, the planet as a whole may benefit, but we're on this planet, it benefits us and our children and our children's children, etc.

Anyway, that's plenty of pontificating. I just wondered if I could write all that down and have it come out making sense. I think it does.

One more thing. I went to a get-together with friends yesterday. The night before, I had this, I dunno, brain thing where I very briefly, just a couple of seconds, really, thought that I'd be seeing Mouse there, too. It just breaks my heart that it wasn't true.

We'll worry about that little brain blip some other time.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Back from hell

Okay, so I was away visiting Mom for Mother's Day and for my birthday. I think I felt it was an appropriate time to go and it assuaged my guilt over not wanting to be there at all and staying away as much as I possibly can. But it was still hell, not least of which because of my own attitudes, for which I take full responsibility. This doesn't negate the fact that it was, indeed, hell.

I could tell that my mother's Alzheimer's is worse. I suppose it could have just seemed that way because she was under enormous stress because my stepfather is so ill. I can't even deal with how angry I am at him. I'm not a bad person for wishing he had, in fact, died--it would have served him right. Except then he wouldn't be suffering, which I don't wish on him, but at least some of the suffering is his own damn fault for trying to be a martyr or whatever the heck reason it was that kept him from getting medical attention when he first started feeling ill. He was literally at death's door when he finally got to the hospital. Neither of them seems to grasp the fact that, the longer you wait, the more ill you get and the worse the treatment and recovery time can be. Not to mention the prognosis.

Okay, that's as much venting about this that I'm going to do right now. I'm taking most of tomorrow off and seeing a couple of doctors and either having lunch with a friend or else trying to buy a nice pair of pants at Bloomingdale's. And/or a nice pair of sandals.

Meanwhile, I have to once again try to break the old solitaire habit, which is back with a vengeance. Stress-related, I guess.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

At it again

Yeah, so I'm still wasting time with solitaire. But I'm tired. It's been a long weekend and it's hot.

I did get to tai chi this morning and then I walked a lot and bought stuff I needed and got some of it delivered...but I was tired and already carrying a lot in my backpack (which I'm not supposed to do, which I'm now belatedly remembering) and it's hot.

I think I'm trying not to deal with the phone call I got from my mother last night about my stepfather's ill health. I don't know exactly what's going on or what I can do about it. I'm supposed to go down there on the 10th, which is the day he's now scheduled for...what? Surgery? A procedure of some sort? Hopefully, my mother will get more information tomorrow. If not, I may have to make a phone call myself. I just remembered, too, that I was going to call Delta today to see if I can switch my flight(s) and, if so, how much it'll cost.

I'm very conflicted about this, because there's a part of me that wishes ... no, I can't type it, I can barely stand to think it--but I do feel it. I'm sure I'm a bad person for wishing him ill and I also do wish him well, if only because I don't want my mother to worry about him and I don't want her to have to deal with his loss. I would say that I also don't want to have to deal with taking on responsibility for her or for him, for that matter, but I suspect I'm going to have to do that, anyway. Which is nearly an impossibility for me, considering that I'm in NY, they're in Florida and I don't drive. Also, I'm a person with time management issues as it is.

Oy. I mean, really, what else is there to say?