John and John

Finishing up reading John Leonard's last book, which was of course a compilation of his essays from his wife, Sue.  Even before his death, I envied her, once I heard their story.  I was oblivious to it while it was happening, although apparently it was quite the cause celebre at the time, at least among literary and other circles.  They were each married to other people when they met and fell madly in love and then left their spouses for each other.

She got her John, had him for many, many years.  When she lost him, she got to truly mourn him (probably still does, though I hope and trust the pain has eased for her by now).  The two Johns were a lot alike.  In looks, quite a bit.  In smarts, yes.  In alcoholism, although their paths diverged when JL became a recovering alcoholic, while JW became more of a drunk as he aged.

My John, as I think of him, was married when I met him and was married to that same woman until the day he died.  He was never mine.  He drunkenly pushed me away (metaphorically) a year before he died.  I knew he was ill and in the hospital a couple of months later, where I spoke to him on the phone.  It was the last time we spoke.  Even when his wife--his wife!--called me and said that he wanted to see me, I never saw him again.  I thought I'd be better off and so would he.  I don't know about him, but I live every day with the knowledge that I failed him.

I don't know if he would have forgiven me, but I know that I cannot.  I shouldn't be forgiven.  He was the man I loved more than anyone else on the planet and I abandoned him.  There's many reasons why I no longer look for another man in my life.  Among them is this: if I could do that to John, how would I treat someone I couldn't possibly love as much?

I already have too much to regret.

Happy New Year

It's 2013.  Wonder what it has in store.  Just for today, I'm in pretty good shape, emotionally.  There's plenty to be worried about, but I don't have to do that right now.  I'm waiting for sushi to arrive.  Tomorrow, I'll get up and go to aquacise class, maybe swim a couple of laps before, if the pool's not too crowded.  Although, day after New Year's?  I'm expecting the lap lanes to be full, as well as the class.  But the latter is manageable and I'll do it anyway.

Then come home, make a pot of coffee, take a shower.  Check in with Tess, who'll be handling the business for the day.  Do something about breakfast, although at that point, it'll be lunch.  Get in touch with EZ to figure out when and where we can meet for dinner or something before seeing the play she has an extra ticket for.  (Hoping those are comps.)  Unplug the cable box and take it over to Time Warner.  If the DVD player is connected to the cable box, try to figure out how to hook it back up to the TV.  Then go meet EZ, I  suppose--doesn't make sense to leave and come back here.  Timing may be a bit tricky.

That's as far as I can think, as far as I need to think.  That's about 24 hours.  I'm sure I'll fit in other stuff along the way, including answering emails, maybe getting one or two more bills done.  But that's tomorrow.  Tonight:  sushi!