Tonight/tomorrow

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the fall of the Twin Towers. It's far enough away now not to be a complete horror--unless, of course, I think about it too much. But that's not what I'm thinking about tonight, in any case.

I feel lucky. This year, unlike years past, I didn't start getting depressed a month or so before this day on the calendar. I suppose I've been keeping busy, focusing on what was right in front of me and not much else. Of course, I've always been good at denial. But maybe what that is, besides a survival mechanism, is there's just so much brain power that I've got and it seems to be getting less and less as time goes on and I really just can't think of everything all at once all the time. But, then again, who can? (Other than those poor people with total recall--I used to work with one of them and he was ... sad. But that's another topic.)

But tonight I'm starting to feel it. I suppose some of it may be because today's "West Wing" du jour was the death and funeral of Dolores Landingham. I've watched that now more times than I can count and it still gets to me. Tonight a bit more than it has been, but I think that's understandable.

I miss Mouse. I miss John. I have regrets about each of them, but I'm prepared to forgive myself (and others, where appropriate) and move on. But that leaves me with the sorrow of their loss. The empty places in my heart--esp. where John should be. This assumes that having had more years with him, I would have kept loving him more and more, which I'm not sure is possible. Or at least it's that whatever time one gets to spend with a loved one, that's more memories, more life lived with that person and it becomes part of who you are and losing the person leaves a space that they're no longer going to fill. I'm sure others have written much better about what I'm trying to describe.

It feels good that I'll be doing something productive to honor Mouse on Saturday. I hope to find ways tomorrow to honor both of them, actually, as well as the fallen on 9/11. I hope not to work--at least, that's what I'm planning on, but we'll see.

I need to get more work done tonight, so I'll have less to do over the weekend. I suspect I'll be back here before long. Good night, Mouse. Good night, John.